walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
