i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
