The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
