my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
