I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
