Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We were destined to go to rehab together
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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