I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
