Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
