You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
