If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
