one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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