I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
