How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
