Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
