I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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