I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
