Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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