Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
