Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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