There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
