Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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