Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
