I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
