I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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