i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
