dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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