You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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