they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
