I can tuck mytits in my pants
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
