mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
