Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
