This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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