this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
