My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
