there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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