Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
