My friends, they love my intelligence
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
