I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
