my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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