He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
