is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
