So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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