Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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