from now on my penis is your penis
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
