the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize