My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize