im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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