just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just forgot I was standing up.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
