I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
