So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
