Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
