This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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