we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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