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I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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