why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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