On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You're so nebulous sometimes
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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