I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
