maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
