The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
